Who's This Alien That's Invaded My Child's Body????
If you're a parent, it will probably happen. One day you'll find your formerly adoring, sweet-tempered child has adopted strange, new behaviors and communicates by exasperated sighs, rolled eyes and an occasional whatEVER! As you try to figure out what happened or what you did to cause this--the fear gremlin quietly takes up residence in your head, issuing warnings like: That sweet, smiling child is gone forever! How will he ever be able to get a job looking like that? At this rate she's going to flunk out of school? What are people going to think?! The underlying, greatest fear of all is What if I've failed as a parent!
This angst results from a natural phenomenon a teenager doing what nature planned.
The job of an adolescent is to individuate, or become separate from his parents. In order to do that s/he usually tries on a number of different behaviors, looks and attitudes. Some are designed for shock value, but most serve to let teens see how the new feature feel show it fits with their image of who they are. The one thing the adolescent knows about his identity and which he broadcasts to the world--is I'm not my parent(s). As worrisome as this can be, it would really be more serious if teenagers didn't behave this way. Adolescents who fail to successfully individuate may become adults who 1) don't have a clue who they are or what they want in life, 2) remain committed to adolescent values and endeavors or 3) settle for what others want for them, rather than pursue their own dreams. Providing limits within which adolescents can perform their search for identity can facilitate the individuation process. And remembering that most of what they try out will not be permanent, that it's not who they've become or what they'll be doing forever--can help parents survive the ride, without white knuckles!
(Belinda Crosier, Masters of Education and a Licensed Professional Counselor at Edmond Family Counseling. She can be reached at 351-3554.)
