In Praise of Low Self-Esteem
We need to clear something up about high self-esteem in our society. Many adults, and an even higher number of our kids, are actually suffering from a state of self-satisfaction that diminishes their ability and responsibility for self-improvement through reflection. We are led to believe that life is only properly lived if a person exists in a permanent state of “psycho-emotional bliss”. This concept is a sham. I would go as far as to say that consistently high self-esteem is impossible, that it should be impossible and that we harm ourselves and each other with delusions of life-mastery.
People with high self-esteem can be insufferable. It’s as though their entire persona is looking into a mirror, and baby, it likes what it sees. Left unquestioned and therefore unanswered is whether or not this vanity has been earned. The problem with self-esteem is it’s based on our own perceptions, which is fine unless your “preceptor” goes a little wonky or emerged from the factory wired all wrong. Worse still, we often find our (possibly faulty) perception of ourselves influenced by what we (poorly) perceive to be other people’s (probably faulty) perceptions of us, and madness lay not far down that road.
You know who feels just dandy about themselves all the time? Narcissists, that’s who; their good vibes are really symptoms of an illness. They feel no empathy for or toward the rest of us and are therefore incapable of comparison, shopping their self-concept from the perspective of anyone but themselves. Meanwhile, the rest of us are stuck dealing with our knowledge that somebody, somewhere, is kicking our butt at everything.
High self-esteem is not a natural state of being. It is something to be pursued, achieved, and then maintained for as long as one can. It is fleeting. Authentic high self-regard assumes that a person has made an honest, and accurate, assessment of his or her own potential and labored to meet or surpass that potential. It should go without saying that if this is accomplished easily, then the person has underestimated his own potential.
It’s not even that simple. Any honest self-assessment should include not only potentials but deficits as well. Should I allow myself to walk the streets with my head held high when, at any moment, I could be utterly defeated by something as mundane as traffic or fractions? Authentic self-esteem demands a well-roundedness with which most of us will always struggle to keep up. Keeping track of our weaknesses will always reveal our next assignment in life and life is an unrelenting task-master. It also keeps our vanity in check, a function for which we should be grateful, especially if we assume that the vanity of others is like-wise being policed.
We should be skeptical of people who are spiking the football on the 20 yard-line, not emulating them. We should take comfort and confidence from the shared knowledge that we are all imperfect in myriad ways. Take a clearer sense of purpose from our shared, if foolish, battle against that imperfection.
Quinton is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Edmond Family Counseling and can be reached at 405-341-3554.
