Codependency: Caring Overtime
Now that the holidays are over, the Christmas decorations are put away and our schedules are returning to a lesser frenzy, we're all basking in happy memories of the season, right? Maybe not for those of us who suffer from codependency those of us who automatically turn ourselves wrong-side out to accommodate everyone else, then feel unappreciated or taken for granted. We may be feeling resentful because we said You don't need to get me anything and they didn't. Or we insisted we didn't need any help with the cooking, so no one helped and then we're too exhausted to enjoy it with the rest of the family. It could be I had my heart set on going to the Christmas Eve service, but I didn't mention it because it might conflict with someone else's plans. Maybe we're upset because our grown children spent too much money on their children's gifts, so we either lecture them about their credit card bills or offer to help pay them off. Or perhaps I was tense and nervous, wondering if the alcoholic or addict in our family would show up, and if so, embarrass us or cause a scene.
If these behaviors sound foreign to you, good for you! If, however, you see these or similar behaviors in yourself, join the legions of other codependents out there. Though the term codependency was originally created to describe the behavior of family members of an alcoholic and their attempts to protect the alcoholic from the consequences of his or her own behavior, it has come to be applied to behavior that essentially takes care of everyone else at the expense of oneself. Unfortunately we also see codependent behavior in people that have not lived with an alcoholic or addict. People who are codependent have trouble expressing their needs and wants, fearing others won't approve or agree. They have difficulty setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries. This means they take on other peoples problems as their own and don't have a clear idea of where their feelings end and someone else's begin. It can also mean they allow other people to intrude in their lives inappropriately, or in the case of physical boundaries, allow others to invade their space or touch them when they would prefer otherwise. Codependency typically prevents people from taking care of themselves in relationships, allowing themselves to be taken advantage of or even mistreated, lacking the belief it's okay to set limits with other people or refuse to be in a relationship with them.
Codependency is not the same as doing a favor for someone, or caring for others or being in a reciprocal relationship. Codependency is about extremes, about trying to please or keep everyone happy or avoid conflict at all costs. People with codependency usually feel guilty or selfish when they try to take care of themselves instead of everyone else. If this describes you, there is help for you! There are a number of books to help you learn how to overcome codependency and there is even a 12-Step program Codependents Anonymous available locally. Counseling, too, can help you find the balance between taking care of yourself and everyone else and allow you the benefit of the perspective of an objective third party.
Belinda Crosier, Masters of Education and Licensed Professional Counselor at Edmond Family Counseling. She can be reached at 351-3554.
