3 Rs: Move over for the 3 Ds!
In the face of impulsive or thoughtless behavior by a teenager, many parents find themselves succumbing to the 3 Rs: rant, rave & rescue. This refers to any lengthy combination of lecturing, castigating, threatening & forecasting of dire outcomes designed to get a kid to change behavior. (Translated: rant, rave) Then, as the parent cools down and remorse over things said (or shouted) sets in, the stance softens and the parent either backs down or tries to make life easier for the child, hoping to minimize the impact of his/her tirade. (Translated: rescue) This pattern may repeat itself ad infinitum, with the only change being the subject of the rant/rave. Its been established that a child listens to a lecture (especially one he's heard before) all of about 15 seconds before tuning out. Since this syndrome is generally ineffective, parents might consider implementing the 3 Ds: disarm, detach and disengage.
To disarm, a parent shows empathy or understanding, thus diverting a defensive response. (I can understand how much you want to be with your friends rather than When you're with your friends, you don't care about anything else!). This can promote openness to subsequent communication and a simple, non-personalized statement can be made regarding the issue at hand. (However, the lawn needs to be mowed before you go out.) The opportunity for detachment will likely present in exactly one second after this statement is delivered, in the form of promises, arguments and reasoning from the teenager. To detach, parents may need to remind themselves that an unhappy child doesn't have to mean an unhappy parent and that if their kid doesn't want to mow the lawn, it's nothing personal nor is it a failure of the parent. This helps hold the emotional intensity to a level which allows for calmer responses. The broken-record technique, simply repeating the stated request as many times as necessary, is helpful in maintaining detachment. Parents can then disengage, whereby they refrain from being drawn into an argument by kindly, non-inflammatory responses such as Hmmmm, Thank you for sharing your thoughts on that, or I can understand your feeling that way. This conveys the teens right to his/her opinion, without the parent agreeing or disagreeing. Replacing the 3Rs with the 3Ds decreases negative exchanges and can greatly reduce those endless arguments that no one seems to win.
Belinda Crosier, Masters of Education and Licensed Professional Counselor at Edmond Family Counseling. She can be reached at 351-3554.)
