• Call Now: 405.341.3554
  • Connect

Edmond Family Counseling Articles

Articles by the Counselors at Edmond Family Counseling

Do it Yourself Marriage Counseling

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

By John Goetz

The idea of self-help and self-improvement has been around as long as I can remember. Dale Carnegie wrote The Art of Public Speaking in 1910 and followed it up with a series of self-help books through 1990. This past weekend I changed brake pads on my car after first consulting a You Tube video. Americans spend their weekends on home improvement projects and their evenings cooking a new recipe from Rachel Ray viewed on their iPad. Many tasks are within the range of your average adult and the majority of us recognize when a project is beyond the reach of our abilities and experience. We go to the dentist to get our teeth cleaned twice a year and we try to floss and brush twice a day to keep our teeth healthy. This blend of personal and professional care applies to a wide range of health care issues. With this in mind I am going to give all the couples out there a technique they can use to improve their relationship with their significant other outside of marriage counseling. It is called the speaker listener technique.

To put this skill into practice you will need a 5 minute timer, two chairs, and a space free of distractions. One person will go first as the speaker and the other assumes the role of the listener. The speaker will talk for 5 minutes following these rules. First speak for yourself, use the pronoun I, and don’t mind read. Keep your statements brief and give the listener time to paraphrase what you just said. The individual in the role of the listener focuses on what the speaker says, paraphrasing what they heard; focus on the speaker’s message, don’t try to reply or rebut with your own thoughts. The listener might use canned phrases like “I hear you saying …” or “I understand you to be saying …” allowing them to reflect or restate the content of what the speaker is saying. If the listener is paying close attention they may even be able to reflect back to the speaker the affect or feelings behind what is being said. Then the speaker and listener will switch places.

If a couple will participate in this exercise every night for 30 days they will find some remarkable things happen. First, they will feel that, for at least 5 minutes, their significant other is actually paying them undivided attention. Listening to the content of what is being said and reflecting it back is a sure fire way to let someone know you are truly listening to them. Second, while using this technique it is very difficult to argue. Since the listener’s job is to only listen and reflect there is no rebuttal and, thus, no arguing back and forth and over each other. Third, listening closely enough to accurately reflect the feelings of what is being said increases emotional intimacy. If you, as the listener, reflect the excitement or frustration in my conversation I know you are truly focused on me and my experiences. In blunt terms, this is the basis of seduction, and who doesn’t want to be seduced by their significant other.

So, for you “do it yourselfers”, give it a try. Five minutes speaking and listening for a total of 10 minutes a day is probably the time it takes to brush and floss twice a day, and I guarantee it is just as effective. Edmond Family Counseling offers a full range of counseling for you and your family. You can read all our articles on our blog. www.edmondfamily.org Donations are appreciated!



Comments
Post has no comments.
Post a Comment



Captcha Image

Trackback Link
http://www.edmondfamily.org/BlogRetrieve.aspx?BlogID=17125&PostID=1445167&A=Trackback
Trackbacks
Post has no trackbacks.

Recent Posts


Tags

Children Underage Drinking Role Models Positive Reinforcement Communication techniques for couples Negative Thinking Grounded Hope Grandparenting Elizabeth Loftus Parenting through Divorce Newsletter fads Depression and social media Family Systems Theory Al McCormick Waxing Teenage perception of drug use Parenting Teenagers Terrorism and children Happiness Holiday stress Political Correctness Relationships Positive Illusions Heroin Crisis high school Brain Research Exercise treatment for depression Confidentiality Domestic violence resources Parenting with purpose Political bias Anger The Amazing Race Ben Carson Tetra-Amelia Syndrome Lee Daniel Kravetz Disasters privilege ADA AARP Communication Prom 710 Presidential debate Seniors Learning Disabilites Setting Boundaries for Your Teen list spring Teens Use of Technology Childhood depression School Anxiety Teen Safety brain self-sabotage Teen Parenting Teens and Time Management Links between unemployment and depression How to recognize domestic violence The Butterfly Circus Communicating with your child Reading Culture Teenage Boys Character Development Normalcy Entitlement Syndrome ADHD Suicide Prevention Recommendations Help for panic and anxiety Sheila Stinnett responsibility Developmentally appropriate strategies for grief counseling Instagram Michael Jackson Oklahoma Department of Human Services Twenty Somethings Bias and memory Parent peer pressure Co-Parenting DIY Marriage counseling Time Management Ridley Scott School Grandparent Initiative Unemployment and depression United States Drug Enforcement Agency Retirement Parkland Shooter How to control panic attacks Self Image Risk taking Food Allergies Belinda Crosier Andy Weir Edmond Family Counseling HB 2249 Social Media What to do when you are laid off Codependency Oklahoma Statute on Marijuana Teenage Development Tumblr When Teens Should Get a Cell Phone David Feldman Procrastination Parenting Goal Setting Holidays Communicating with your teen Marriage counseling Teen Drug Use Self-Esteem Chad McCoy Captain of Your Ship Suicide Prevention for Teens The Miracle Worker How to detect signs of depression Community Suicide Prevention Programs Stress Divorce School Prescription Drugs How prevalent is domestic violence Family Roles Annie Sullivan Micro-aggression 5 Love Languages Marijuana Co-Parenting Class Boundaries Detox Diet Siblings in Conflict Scapegoating Americans with Disabilities Act Drugs Mild-Depression Prom safety Teens and cell phones Panic Technology Edmond Independent Living Addiction Strong Willed Child National Drug Threat Assessment Summary Emotional Development Butane Hask Oil Divorce with minor children Death Microagression College Self Investment personal growth Parenting and Cell Phones Jay Asher Drug Abuse Bias Choices How to talk to your kids about terrorism Joshua and Rebecca Weigel Edmond drug use Working Parents How many sessions do I need New year’s resolution Amanda Percival Discipline John Goetz Child Development Freshman Year Millenials Spanking Is therapy forever Prom guidelines for teens Suicide Opiods 13 Reasons Why Limitations of counseling What Matters Most Program Bong Wax Drug Use GirlStrong Legalization of Marijuana What Really Matters Child Abuse James Dobson Grandparents as parents Support Group Gender Roles Heroin in the Suburbs Family Theory History Emotions Teenagers Edmond Character Council Oklahoma drug use diet Schedule 1 Drug Butane Honey Oil Panic Disorder parenting college age kids Gun violence and mental health Edmond Municipal Court Audrey Woods Mental Health Chores for Teens Young Adults Therapy Misconceptions of Smoking Marijuana Summer time parenting Positive Thinking Divorce Medical Use of Marijuana in Oklahoma Setting Boundaries with Adult Children Early Treatment of Depression Unemployment Marriage MEDITERRANEAN DIET gadgets College Campus Retirement Planning Cell Phones Substance Abuse The Martian Movie Depression Darcy McConnell HK pen How long should counseling take Fidget Spinners Eating Disorder Alcohol Social anxiety 13 Reasons Why NOT Managing substance abuse Adult Children bucket list Impact of Suicide College Age Children Learning College Transitions Sanjay Gupta Teen Suicide Conflict Teens and Smartphones Jackie Shaw Quinton Ellis How do children process trauma Organization Teen Jobs Supersurvivors goals Donald Miller How to manage anxiety Prevention Dating Personality Test Disciplining Teens Back to School Drinking in high school Summer Plans for Teens Girl Strong Speaker Listener Technique Peers Enabling Adult Children Disability Nutrition and stress THE PALEO DIET Affluenza Changing Problem Behavior Trauma Call of Duty Panic attacks Twitter Funding Helen Keller THE KETOGENIC DIET Fear Apps for Teens Great Depression Dr. Rhonda Patrick Will counseling work quickly Decision-Making Aggregated News for Teens Movies for Teens non-verbal communication Hanna Baker Bullying Why did the system fail Snapchat Isolation in teens Summer World Health Organization Golden Child How common are panic attacks The Martian Book Dr. Ben Carson The Golden Years What is domestic violence Consequences Anxiety Sexual Abuse Feldman and Kravetz Facebook Mayme White Miller

Archive

Call Us Now!